signing off my weekend

It's been a long time since I got up before the sun did and stepped out of the door being greeted by a bright yellow smile on brightening hues of blue up above. A day where I didn't expect myself to last, yet it became one of the longest day, at the same time the shortest weekend in a long while.

Over today's service I found my mind drifting away to English Fellowship in Hirosaki. I miss it. The opening psalm & prayer, the OT & NT readings, the hymns, the prayers, the sermon and last but not least, Gloria Patri.

Point #5 of today's sermon stated: Historically, the people of God are a singing people. A singing people indeed. I suspect we're all made to be singing people, whether we can carry a tune or not, whether we have any sense of rhythm or not.

O, how I dearly miss the singing people and how I long for them!

"O for a thousand tongues to sing My great Redeemer's praise,
The glories of my God and King, The triumphs of His grace."

kicking off my weekend with a matcha latte

there's nothing like chilling out over a cup of matcha latte with jazz playing in the background. more often than not, a day of work on a Saturday leaves me feeling battered and worn-out. More often than I'd like to admit, I spend my Saturday after-working hours wondering how I should spend the few precious hours left, the beginning of my long-awaited-for weekend. I'm usually too tired to do anything, too tired to sleep even. Eventually I'd resign to reading on my bed, which means dozing off with the lights on. Hmmmmm... not very environmental-friendly I guess.

A colleague asked me if I'm up to anything tonight.

I shrugged and said nothing.

He told me excitedly that Chelsea's playing.

Whatever.

I am thankful for the change tonight.

Letting go and Moving on

"Once we let go, the next step is to move on. We can let go of something, then spend the rest of our lives longing to have it back. For Paul, letting go of Ephesus meant moving on to Jerusalem. He was not retiring from the work in Ephesus to sit back and enjoy life. No, he was letting go of one challenge to take up another. Though Paul knew that hardship and imprisonment awaited him in Jerusalem, he also knew that it was where God wanted him to be.

...

We say, "If only God spoke as clearly as he did to the people of old, I would not have any problem obeying." Really? The Bible spells out many of God's commands in black and white print, yet we have a problem going by them. The issue is not clarity but willingness. We cannot move on unless we are first willing to let go. Once we release what is holding us back, moving on becomes a natural next step.

...

The future always looks frightening. Paul looked to Jerusalem and described the prospect in bleak terms. Yet he rather preferred to be in the will of God with all its attendant troubles, than to be outside the will of God. Setting our face towards the place of God's will does not guarantee us a smooth passage there. Finding our rendezvous with God's destiny does not promise us a life of ease. But obedience to God does offer us a sense of "fit", knowing we are where God wants us to be. "

-David W.F.Wong "Finishing Well: Closing Life's Significant Chapters"

Rings a bell. Strikes a chord. I am perhaps, a "fitted misfit".

closures

"We are not home yet. Such a perspective is essential to finishing well. Closing a significant chapter of life does not always mean a perfect ending. Or an ending where we get everything we want. Some closures remain open-ended. Not all the expectations are met. Not all the wrongs are righted. Not all questions are answered. Just as it was God who closed the door of the ark, it will be the divine hand, not ours, that closes such chapters."

-David W.F.Wong in his book "Finishing Well: Closing Life's Significant Chapters"

This paragraph stopped me in my tracks. Whether we are already home or not home yet is debatable depending on the context. That's not the main part that caught my attention. I've been thinking about closures (that's what got me into buying the book as I scanned through the contents page). I used to think that everything should have its proper closure, as far as my part is concerned, and that probably led me to try too hard. Now I'm thinking, perhaps there are some things that just ain't that important. Leave it and move on.

But of course, I need divine wisdom to know the difference between letting God close certain doors and not confronting issues that need to be dealt with.

unquenchable thirst

the seemingly unquenchable constant thirst is unbearable.

i wonder if this is a mere physical condition or if it's a manifestation of a spiritual one...

"time is up"

I had a dream last night which, upon reflection, made me realise although I miss life in Japan a lot, time is up, I've moved on.

I suppose I knew that all along, but the dream I had last night told me that I've finally come to terms with it in the subconscious part of me.

Cinderella

I've also got the song "Cinderella" stuck in my head. I suppose the song's written from a daddy's perspective but for me it's like a "daddy's girl" song. Strikes a chord within. I may miss out on this earth, but I'll always be Daddy's girl.

Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman

Very meaningful lyrics...

It's time for letting go
All of our "if onlies"
Cause we don't have a time machine

And even if we did
Would we really want to use it
Would we really want to go change everything

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
And all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He's out there waiting
To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out
And listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go
Let it go, yeah
You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

gotta stop mucking around

I wish I could be more disciplined. Or at least have the motivation to start things I think I should be doing, rather than being held back by the fear of not being able to finish what I've started.

One thing I learnt today:

My motivation will have to come from the cross of Christ, from which I also get sustenance to finish til the end.

God help me.

what do u expect in the year of the ox?

I must admit I've been on the look-out for something different for a change. Perhaps it's a sign of restlessness brewing within. I don't really know what I'm looking for though...

And today... on my way home from work, the sight of a bunch of cows (brown, black, white, black and white, you name it) grazing on a sad little patch of grass amidst high-rise buildings and congested traffic caught me by surprise. I burst out laughing. It's like a joke between my Creator and me, one that perhaps few would understand, perhaps none.

wait...

...and PRAY.

I've been telling others (reassuring self at the same time) that it's a waiting period.

Yesterday I got reminded that it's not just a waiting period...

it's wait and PRAY.

got it.

Friday night syndrome

Having options is not necessarily a good thing. If I'd just tell myself I don't have a choice, then I'd do what's good for me. Instead, I'm left here wondering what to do with myself on a Friday night. A beer or a couple of drinks sounds good to me.

I'll probably end up having neither. It's all in my head, ain't it? Let's hope I'll not give myself any options and just do what I know I should do.

Sigh. It's the Friday night syndrome.

bits n pieces, here n there...

sometimes a door closing on ur face helps to uncover the true underlying motivation. no doubt it brings a sinking feeling but at least u clearly see the udang sebalik the batu.

i've been thinking that i need something to sustain me for the longer term, but on the other hand i wonder if i'm looking for sustenance in the wrong places?

the great chasm is beyond me. too far to cross over, too deep to bridge the gap. wasn't it a broken heart that rejected any form of reconciliation? ironic that it should eventually lead to helplessness and more hurt. a kind of pain that has perhaps been immuned to.

this is no good.

i read an article on "longsuffering" today. it ended with this prayer:

"Help us to suffer a little longer that we might know the joy of the gift that you have promised. We will always wait a little longer. We will always trust in You. Amen."

Each day is a gift from God. Each day I inch a little closer towards the joy of the gift He has promised. Each day I tell myself... it's just a little longer.

and Grace will lead me Home.

しょうがない～

It's almost like a しょうがない kinda feeling. So the storm hit, the tsunami struck... Am I sitting in the eye or has the worst come and gone?

There's a lot I need to learn from tsunami survivors.